1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:10,040 Weapons Intelligence aren't usually late. 3 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,920 We could give it another five. 4 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,240 You did ask them to come. 5 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:16,040 Yes, I did. And yet, WISWO came there none. 6 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:17,080 WISWO! 7 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:22,880 I just like the word - WISWO! 8 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,480 Well, it doesn't sound like he's a weapons intelligence guy, does it? 9 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,920 Sounds like he's a wizard. Whiz! 10 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:31,280 And he's just done something amazing! Whoa! 11 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,200 WISWO! 12 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,560 Your life in his hands. Incredible. 13 00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:40,360 Right, life's too short. I'm going down there. 14 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,680 Boss on the move! 15 00:00:45,280 --> 00:00:47,240 VOICES CRACKLE OVER RADIO 16 00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,880 Boss. We've got some chat on ICOM. 17 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:56,320 VOICES CRACKLE OVER RADIO 18 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:57,520 What are they saying? 19 00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,600 "The donkey is walking towards the tiger." 20 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,680 What? 21 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:03,960 Oh, shit! Boss! Boss, get out of there! 22 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,280 "The donkey runs like a girl." 23 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:12,680 Just kidding. 24 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,880 Well? They're saying the donkey was walking towards the tiger. 25 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:20,360 You must be the donkey, boss. Yes, I... And the tiger is... 26 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:24,600 The bomb! Well done for cracking that impenetrable Taliban code(!) 27 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:26,520 OK. So, what does this mean? 28 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,360 Remote initiation? A command wire? 29 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,600 Yeah. But the search team's already had a poke about 30 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,200 and didn't find anything, so...? 31 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,920 It could be along a linear feature? 32 00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:38,280 A linear feature! He's learning! Bird, linear feature. 33 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:39,920 Get them to check again. 34 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,160 Boss, my team can't stop you being blown to bits 35 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,560 by a command wire device, 36 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:48,360 but you're not getting shot, not on my watch. 37 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,320 Thanks, Simon...comforting(!) 38 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,920 The donkey is checking the time. 39 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,160 The donkey! Why can't I be the tiger? 40 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,240 They go to go to all this trouble of targeting me, 41 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,480 and they can't even give me a decent bloody codename? 42 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,800 Don't shoot the messenger. 43 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:09,760 No, seriously. Don't. 44 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,040 There you go! All done. 45 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:43,560 Let's hope our new WISWO... WISWO! 46 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:49,120 ..can help us to... Nutsack! Fucking hell! 47 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,560 Nick. 48 00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:52,600 Nutsack. 49 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,360 This is cosy(!) 50 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,720 Isn't it? So, you're our new WISWO. 51 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,120 Good. Perfect. Amazeballs! 52 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:05,000 Believe me, mate, as much of a surprise for me as it is for you. 53 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,640 Last week I was in Chester, scratching my arse, next thing 54 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:11,080 I'm off to Afghan before I even get a chance to sniff my fingers. 55 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:15,080 Charming(!) Steve Nuttall, Towerblock, you've already met Bird. 56 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:19,720 Yes, she... Lance Corporal Lansley. Close protection. 57 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,960 Yeah, Bird said about a command wire device? 58 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,200 Unusual in this terrain. 59 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,760 Yeah, I know it's unusual. That's why you're here. 60 00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:31,320 Yeah, so we reckon we're dealing with an experienced bomber 61 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:34,040 with a working knowledge of our existing render safe 62 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,480 and forensic procedures. 63 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,640 Brilliant! So you've totally read the profile I compiled. 64 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,280 Did you have any information that, you know, I didn't give you? 65 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,360 Like, who it is? 66 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,480 No idea, mate. 67 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,520 Well, I'm so glad you're here(!) 68 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,600 It's good to know you've got my back. 69 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:51,840 Puts you in an ideal position to stick a knife in it. 70 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:55,040 Yeah, all right. Just make sure that the rest of your team are... 71 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,920 The rest of my team are fine. OK. 72 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:59,680 Actually, you know what - the rest of my team are better than fine. 73 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,920 They're a group of highly skilled individuals who know exactly what they're doing. So, thank you. 74 00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:07,440 Bloody hell, Simon. 75 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,600 Sorry. And in the World Willy Waving contest, 76 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,120 both Nick and Nutsack both have nil points. 77 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,520 Piss off, Bird. Seriously boss, what was all that about? 78 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,080 He said you were old mates. Yeah, we were. 79 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,840 Till he fucked my fiancee! 80 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,760 Whoa! Fuck me! Of course! Marianne! 81 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:27,040 Losing a fiancee, huh? I feel your pain, brother. 82 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,200 Come on. Let's go home. 83 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:44,520 OK, most likely to...get caught dogging. 84 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,320 Bird! No question. What about you, Mac? 85 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,120 I wouldn't get caught, would I? 86 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,240 ALL: Aaaaah! 87 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,520 OK. OK. OK! 88 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,200 Most likely to... 89 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:58,000 stick a Haribo up his arse to see if he could tell which one it was by the shape? 90 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,240 Ha ha...gay! 91 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,800 Well, you actually did that, Rocket, so you. 92 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:06,120 Ha ha! Aye, I did. And you cannae tell. 93 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:10,400 OK - most likely to... come out as gay? 94 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,080 ALL: Mac! Eh?! Aw, seriously - I'm no' fucking gay! 95 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,200 Ah, see! He's no' gay. 96 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,200 But the thing is, Rocket, Mac is in denial. 97 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,400 No, I'm not! Mac is so keen to call everything and everyone else gay, 98 00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,800 because he has certain - feelings - 99 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:29,520 that upset and confuse him. 100 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,240 Except, I don't, because I'm no' gay! 101 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:37,040 So, if you're completely secure in your heterosexuality, 102 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,600 you wouldn't care how you came across, 103 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:44,600 so you'd be happy to call everyone "duckie" all day. 104 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,440 For example. Fuck off! 105 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:49,600 "Duckie"? Towerblock, have you ever actually met anyone who's gay? 106 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,080 I've met Mac. 107 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,520 Fair enough. 108 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,160 My great-uncle was gay. But you couldnae tell. 109 00:05:56,160 --> 00:05:59,360 Until he married that guy. He never called anyone "duckie", though. 110 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,440 He just called everyone "pal". 111 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,640 Let's not get bogged down by authenticity, eh? 112 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:08,200 "All right, pal!" That was him. 113 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:13,560 OK, look, the only way that Mac can prove he's not in denial 114 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,280 is to call everyone on the base "duckie" all day. 115 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:18,680 Fuck off! 116 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,800 THEY JEER 117 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:24,200 Fuck off! 118 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,520 Duckie! 119 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,760 Better. 120 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,520 So, as our new WISWO... WISWO! 121 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,800 ..pointed out, this bomber is specifically targeting us... 122 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,520 But mainly targeting you, boss. 123 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:47,480 Thank you, Simon - so stay sharp, double check everything. 124 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,760 Drills and skills. OK? Mary. 125 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,840 OK, so I've organised another Mary's Movies Night. 126 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,360 Really? Brilliant(!) 127 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:57,400 Look, I know that some of my film picks have bombed - 128 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,880 I mean, er, sorry... 129 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:00,600 I quite enjoyed Three Colours Red. 130 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:03,600 Face it, Mary, you have no idea what the guys like. 131 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,160 Just trying to broaden some rather narrow horizons. 132 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,120 And what cinematic treat do you have for us? 133 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,840 Well, I think you're going to like it, it's a bit more soldiery. 134 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,480 Atonement! 135 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,160 Mary, have you actually ever met any soldiers? 136 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,680 Well, I'm a soldier... 137 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,200 ALL LAUGH LOUDLY 138 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,720 Can't you at least put something popular on? 139 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,840 Atonement won a BAFTA! Always a bad sign. 140 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,520 What's a BAFTA? No, look, it's fine, 141 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:28,880 if you want to watch mindless Hollywood blockbusters. 142 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:32,520 But it's my movie night, and some people actually prefer European cinema. 143 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,680 So, tomorrow night, we're watching Atonement, 144 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,360 and there'll be lots of people there, and that's that! 145 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,520 Wait, wait, wait! Tomorrow night's Bird's Boogie Night! Of course! 146 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,040 What? First Thursday. Bird's Boogie Night. 147 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:46,040 How did I not know about this? 148 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,520 Cos I've never invited you. It's a soldier thing. 149 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,840 Well, can you change it to another night? Because I've told everyone now. 150 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:57,120 I'm not moving Bird's Boogie Night just to avoid clashing with everyone not watching your film. 151 00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:01,240 Yeah? And I'm not moving Mary's Movies for an event you hadn't even told me about. 152 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,120 Mmmm. A stand off. 153 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:07,000 No, OK - we'll have to have both and we'll just see who comes to what. 154 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,200 Fine. Fine. 155 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,560 OK. So, team, anything else? 156 00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:14,480 Boss, could we run some close protection drills? 157 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:15,920 What with you being targeted... 158 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,120 No. I'm with Mac on this one. 159 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:21,640 Are you sure, boss? Cos if you got killed, how's that gonna make me look? 160 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,960 Wow! OK. 161 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:28,120 Er...boss, look, if this new bomber's on your case, then you and the WISWO will need to get on. 162 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,280 WISWO! It's all right, Towerblock. 163 00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,760 No, I agree, boss. 164 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,120 If you are being targeted, you can't be thinking of 165 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:36,240 Warrant Officer Nuttall, y'know... 166 00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,440 ..ploughing your fiancee. Clear the air. 167 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,160 Yup! Go and see him, face to face. 168 00:08:44,160 --> 00:08:46,120 And punch his fucking lights out. 169 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:49,880 All right, Towerblock, I know in t'North you settle your disputes 170 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,040 by glassing your mates outside t'pub, 171 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:55,840 but in the civilised world, we talk to each other. Using words. 172 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,440 I'd punch him in the face. 173 00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,200 I was going to go with nuts, but face could work. 174 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,960 Good meeting, everyone! 175 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,160 Knock, knock - Corporal Bird, Private MacDowell. 176 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,520 Sir. Sir. 177 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,160 Everything in hand for Bird's Boogie Night? 178 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:17,800 We're just putting together the playlist, sir. Good-oh! 179 00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,920 Make sure there's a bit of Sugababes on there. 180 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,400 Guaranteed floor filler. Sir. 181 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,000 Pity about the clash with the padre's film night. 182 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,440 Still, her hit rate's pretty dismal. 183 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,320 What's she gone for this time? The Kite Runner? 184 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,480 Documentary about Venezuelan feminists? 185 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:36,280 Atonement. Oof! Really? Still, could be worse. 186 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,320 Could be The King's Speech. That was bobbins. 187 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:43,400 Always a bad sign, BAFTAs. Don't you think, Mac? 188 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,520 Aye. You're right... 189 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,440 ..duckie. Carry on... 190 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,840 precious. 191 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,280 boy, you better... 192 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,760 let me know before I 193 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,400 194 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,800 I've got the forensics from this morning. 195 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,120 "The donkey is entering the cookhouse." 196 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:15,440 Yeah, and I just wanted to, um, clear the air. 197 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,880 I know we've had our differences, but it's time to move on, 198 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:21,800 focus on the matter in hand. So. This bomber... 199 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,320 Hey, it's so good to hear you say that! 200 00:10:24,320 --> 00:10:27,920 Seven years is too long not to speak to each other. 201 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:31,400 And I'm sure Marianne would want to say hi. 202 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,200 Would she? OK. Well, as long as she's... 203 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,760 all right. So, the wire... 204 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,680 She's all right. As all right as you can be with twins on the way! 205 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,240 That'll be five. 206 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,080 Five kids! 207 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,600 Wow! 208 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:50,160 So, the wire - well, it feels like he wants us to know it's him. 209 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,080 Feels like he's trying to fuck with my head. 210 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,760 Or maybe he's just got a load of orange wire. 211 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,480 Look, I'm just made up that you want to...you want to move on. 212 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,480 You were my best mate. 213 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:03,960 "Best mate?" 214 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,120 You were screwing Marianne behind my back for six months! 215 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:10,720 Oh, so it's...all in the past now then, is it? 216 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,000 Come on, Nick! Nicky boy - 217 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:18,400 we're part of the most incestuous trade in the whole fucking army... 218 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,000 Speak for yourself! 219 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,080 Hang about - you shagged Marianne's sister! 220 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,880 Yeah! But only afterwards! 221 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,520 And I didn't enjoy it. 222 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,640 Much. 223 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,200 Oh, what? 224 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:47,000 Bird, you utter bitch! 225 00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:49,880 Well, I'm sorry but she is. 226 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:57,000 Well, hold it up so everyone can see. 227 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,880 So, Bird, how come you've got gay porn? 228 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,360 Does that mean you're gay? No. 229 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,600 Cos if you were gay you'd have porn with girls in it. 230 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,680 But that's straight porn. So... I just prefer it, all right? 231 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,200 It's the real deal. Just plain old naked men fucking. 232 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:15,760 Fair dos. 233 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:19,560 Bad news, chaps. Film night is cancelled. 234 00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:23,680 Oh! Brilliant! ..because the projector has mysteriously gone missing. 235 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,840 Jesus'll know where it is. Ask him. 236 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:30,800 So unless whoever's "borrowed" it, decides to return it, then it's all off. 237 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:33,360 Which is such a shame as I've got a job lot of Pepperami 238 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,320 coming from a padre in Bastion. 239 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,000 Can we have the Pepperami anyway? 240 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,880 No. I just think it's sad that someone would... 241 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:43,400 I haven't taken your fucking projector, all right... 242 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,120 Ma'am. I'm not saying anything. 243 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,360 Just whoever it is... It wasn't me, though! 244 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:50,720 Yes, but whoever it is... Can you stop looking at me when you say "whoever it is"! 245 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,120 If whoever has it can bring it back... It wasn't fucking me, all right! 246 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,280 Has anyone else got an erection right now? 247 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,600 Apart from that guy, obviously. Yes, thank you, Nick. 248 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,040 Wow! 249 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:03,360 Anyway... Whoever has it, should just return it to me, 250 00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:06,000 no questions asked, and I won't take things any further... 251 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,280 ..with her. 252 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,960 RESA has completed a search for command wires, boss. Nothing. 253 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,800 Oh, well, we're unlikely to see two on the same day anyway. 254 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:30,480 Sounds like you're relying on the law of averages there, mate. 255 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,480 Er...he's right, boss. You did say we should double check everything. 256 00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,560 There you go, listen to your number two, and... Then you two get a room 257 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,880 and you can fuck him like you fucked my fiancee. How about that? 258 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,760 Jesus! Sorry, boss. 259 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,120 I was watching - vigilance. 260 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:51,680 Yeah, we're just working on some new close protection procedures. 261 00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,840 Very close, as it turns out. 262 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:57,280 WISWO! 263 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,920 Yeah? 264 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,520 Er... 265 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,320 Nothing. 266 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:43,320 Padre. 267 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:55,120 Right! Tatty Bye! 268 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,400 Boss on the move! 269 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,720 The snake is crawling towards the mango. 270 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,520 Shit. Boss. Get back! 271 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,640 You are shitting me. 272 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:15,640 The snake is crawling towards the mango. 273 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:16,800 Bird, find Sergeant Hogg 274 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,240 and tell him to do another search for command wires! Sure. 275 00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:21,440 With a side order of "fucking find it this time!" 276 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:23,840 I'll see if they got that. 277 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,320 Well, this is gonna take an hour! 278 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,680 So, I'm a snake now, am I? How peachy! 279 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:38,160 Did I say snake? 280 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:43,800 Sorry, a better translation would be worm. 281 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,600 The worm is crawling towards the mango. 282 00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:57,320 KNOCK AT DOOR 283 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:04,120 Is there something I can help you with? 284 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:08,520 Yeah. Where's my fucking stereo...Ma'am? 285 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:13,400 Well, where's my f...actual projector, Bird? Corporal? 286 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,160 Ah, padre, Bird. Missing something? 287 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,440 Yes! I... No, I just... 288 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,680 Your projector? Sorry, padre. 289 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,760 Had to borrow it in a hurry for a Powerpoint thingy back at the FOB. 290 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,680 Theirs was broken. Knew you wanted it back for film night. 291 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,120 Yes. Thank you, sir. 292 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,560 No problem. I think the DVD's still in the box. 293 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,200 Oh, no. This is a different one. 294 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,320 Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. And Atonement seems to be missing. 295 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:42,560 I can't show that. That's not what Mary's Movies is all about. 296 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,520 I thought you two were competing for an audience. 297 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,120 I'd go with Transformers. Fine. 298 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,600 299 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,960 Not a very good disguise though, most of the time. Shame. 300 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,680 Bird! You stop! It's not in here. 301 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:07,480 Look, 302 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:11,040 why don't I see if I can find out who stole your stereo, 303 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:14,400 and get him to put it back, no questions asked? 304 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:19,520 Or HER. Get HER to put it back, I have 305 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,240 All right, benders? 306 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,640 Oh, dear. You have let yourself down there, Mac. 307 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,120 Aw, what? Are you still on that? 308 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:36,400 We didn't want to be, but... 309 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,480 Casual homophobia is a definite sign of denial. 310 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,280 Fuck off. 311 00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:43,360 I've already proved I'm very comfortable 312 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:46,160 with a whole range of gay activities. Ah-huh! 313 00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,480 We could get him to dress as one of the Village People. 314 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,960 The Red Indian! He was the best one! 315 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,920 Might look a bit racist. 316 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,320 Yeah, it would be a shame to look a bit racist 317 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,760 when you've made such an effort to give a balanced view of gay culture. 318 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,000 Hmm. Maybe the construction worker then? 319 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:03,480 HE LAUGHS 320 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:08,840 I mean, I know I'm no saint, but come on, he was shagging my fiancee. 321 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,840 Nick, you just have to forgive him. 322 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,480 Is that what they taught you at Sandhurst while we were all learning about fighting? 323 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:17,640 You just look him in the eye and you say, "I forgive you". 324 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,520 Wow. I really must write some of this down. 325 00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:26,280 Otherwise, how will I remember the finer details? Cheers, padre. 326 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,560 Boss! 327 00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:34,600 Without knowing it, you are already part of a close protection drill. 328 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,360 I've primed Mac and Rocket to launch a surprise attack 329 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,480 when we least expect it. 330 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,440 Bloody hell! Jesus! Not yet! 331 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:43,840 You said you wanted a surprise! 332 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:45,160 Yes, but... Surprise! 333 00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:49,960 OK, Simon. I think the key here is 360 degree visibility, yeah? 334 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,040 OK, great, so why don't you get up that sangar, 335 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:57,640 and see what the 360 degree atmospheric visibility profile is 336 00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:58,760 on me, Mac and Rocket? 337 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,400 Great idea! Boom! Good work, soldier! 338 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,080 Right, coffee? Aye. Brilliant. 339 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:11,280 Boss? 340 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,160 Boss! I've lost visibility! 341 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:24,280 Cover that. 342 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:28,200 Right, the search team have gone over every inch for command wires 343 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,560 twice, boss, and nothing. 344 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:31,440 Well, you had two command wires yesterday. 345 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,400 Hey, someone write this guy up for a medal! 346 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,360 He totally remembers something that happened yesterday! 347 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,080 Simon? 348 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,080 Following this morning's exercise, 349 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:45,840 I wondered about that 360 degree vis on that ridge up there? 350 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,880 It's a good vantage point, Corporal, but it hasn't been cleared. 351 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:50,360 Oh, we can clear it as we go. 352 00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:51,800 I wouldn't advise it. 353 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,000 I think I can trust my team to make the right decisions. 354 00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,000 Trust, mate, not something you know much about. 355 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,080 Simon, you do whatever you think's best. 356 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:01,920 OK, let's move out! You! 357 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,200 Right, if no-one has any more objections, 358 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,840 I think I might go down to that device. 359 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,840 Towerblock, get my kit. Yes, boss. 360 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:15,800 Bird! 361 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,800 MEN SPEAK ON RADIO 362 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,760 The leopard is... 363 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,160 What is it? 364 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,160 The leopard is approaching the turnip. 365 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,920 I'm a leopard? I'm a leopard now! 366 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,760 Get in! But you haven't started approaching the turnip yet, boss. 367 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:34,480 No, no, no! Can we just focus on the fact that I am a leopard for a moment because... 368 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:38,880 Simon. 369 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,560 Simon, Simon! 370 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,000 I'm nearly there, boss! 371 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,160 There's a device up there! Fucking come back down or you'll die! 372 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,320 Simon, get down! 373 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:59,880 Charlie, Charlie One, this is Bluestone 42. Contact IED. Wait out. 374 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,200 Fuck, fuck. 375 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,200 Simon? SIMON! 376 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,960 Mac, thank fuck! Where's Simon? 377 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,760 Fuck knows! Quick, get into cover! 378 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:10,120 Simon! 379 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,520 SIMON! 380 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:14,840 Boss! 381 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:19,280 Oh, Jesus! Simon! Are you OK? 382 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,320 Wha... I AM OK! 383 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:26,200 OK, everyone stay in cover, stay sharp. Eyes on. 384 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,480 Eyes on. Eyes on! 385 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,080 Shit. That was too fucking close. 386 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:40,840 Simon. Boss? 387 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,360 Look, I just wanted to apologise for earlier. 388 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:47,200 Letting you go up on that ridge was... It's all right, boss. I'm your close protection. 389 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:50,920 It was my call. Yeah, it's just this stuff with Nutsack, you know. 390 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,360 It's got to me and I'm sorry. 391 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:58,520 Maybe...you need to forgive him. You sound like the padre. 392 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,160 And I can't believe you got to be the fucking leopard! 393 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,240 ROAARR! 394 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,600 Steve. Nick. 395 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,480 Look. 396 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:16,800 Kick him in the nuts! 397 00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,240 Sorry, mate, I had to do that. 398 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:24,200 Yeah, yeah, I know mate. Fair play. Shit! 399 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,800 You've got quite a hook there. 400 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,240 Look, I know that I behaved like a complete arsehole. 401 00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:31,440 So if you want to have another go, come on. 402 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:32,800 Nah! 403 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,440 Look, mate, you and Marianne, I mean, fair play, 404 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,200 you've made a go of it, right. 405 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,800 When I proposed to her, I'd just finished my first tour, 406 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,240 I thought it was what I wanted, but could you imagine? 407 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:45,920 Me? With a wife? 408 00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,960 Stuck in some shitty Army semi? 409 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,040 Bunch of fucking rug rats snotting and puking all over the place? 410 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,120 What? School runs, recorder practice, Saturday night telly? 411 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:57,440 Awful. Never have a shag cos you're always knackered? 412 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,880 That's my fucking life you're talking about, you wanker! 413 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:02,680 Oh, fuck you, you two-faced prick! 414 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,600 Kick him in the nuts! 415 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,400 WISWO! Go, Nick! Go, boss! 416 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,560 Hi, guys, help yourself to Pepperami. 417 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,160 Who have you come as, Bob the Builder? 418 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:20,560 It's a wee bit more complicated than that. 419 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:24,160 Nice turn out. 420 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:27,000 Oh. Thanks, Bird. 421 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,360 And my stereo turned up, so... 422 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:34,120 No problem. I mean, oh! Oh! Did it? Great! 423 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:36,840 Anyway, no harm done. 424 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:41,120 It's been a hell of a day, so let's just watch Transformers. 425 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,920 Fuck Boogie Night. 426 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,440 Er, really? OK, OK. 427 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:51,880 Guys, shall we begin? ALL: Yeah! 428 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,200 Trailers. They're my favourite. They're like wee movies. 429 00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:02,880 Hey? What? What is this? 430 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,440 But how is this... I had a feeling someone might steal it so I set up the handicam. 431 00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,280 OK, I think we've all seen enough of this. 432 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,880 I don't think we have...Ma'am. 433 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,560 Oh, hello. What's she seen? 434 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,360 THEY ALL LAUGH AND JEER 435 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,520 Now THAT'S entertainment. 436 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,240 Yeah, right padre! 437 00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:29,080 OK, no, sorry, that's it. No more Mary's Movie Nights. ALL CHEER 438 00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,560 What? I was hoping you'd beg me to keep them. Never mind. 439 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,320 Who's up for Bird's Boogie Night? ALL CHEER 440 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:37,840 Ah, Mary. I've just been watching Atonement. Cracking film. 441 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,640 Despite the BAFTA. 442 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,040 See you at Boogie Night. 443 00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:51,920 Mac! Mac! Mac! I've got it! I've got it! 444 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,360 If you want to prove that you're not gay, then you would have no 445 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,320 problem in putting your penis in Rocket's mouth. 446 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,280 Eh? I mean, what could be a clearer demonstration that you're 447 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,320 entirely comfortable with your own sexuality? 448 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,600 All right. But this is the last one! 449 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,440 Well, don't I get a say in this? I'm not doing that. 450 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,280 BOTH LAUGH 451 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:16,880 What? You're in denial, mate. You must be gay. 452 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,640 Aye. You're gay, Rocket. Am I? 453 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,880 Because I don't want to suck Mac's cock? 454 00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,400 Yeah. Aye. It just goes to show, you cannae tell. 455 00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:42,280 Sugababes! Great choice! 456 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,840 Thanks, sir! 457 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,800 All right, I take it back. 458 00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,200 You do understand what they want more than I do. 459 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,000 Thank you! 460 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:57,320 One for the wank bank, eh? 461 00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:00,360 What? 462 00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:03,920 I don't...er... Let's just say we have different... 463 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:07,080 Masturbational fantasies? I'm just going to... 464 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,960 Is there something on your mind, Rocket? 465 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,240 Eh, I'm just a wee bit confused about my sexuality. 466 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:25,760 Really? 467 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,000 Aye, I think I might be the only gay one here. 468 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:32,880 What makes you say that? 469 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,440 Mac and Towerblock said that I'm in denial. 470 00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:36,960 Mac said that? 471 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:43,600 OK. Rocket, sexuality is on a spectrum. 472 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,640 Everyone has to work it out on their own. 473 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:52,480 And some people find it much harder to work out than others. 474 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,080 So, you "forgave" him, then? 475 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,280 We forgave each other, didn't we, mate? 476 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,800 Yeah. We forgave seven shades of shit out of each other. 477 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,240 I'm glad it all worked out. 478 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,080 Tell you what, mate, 479 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,840 your padre is proper fit. 480 00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:24,520 Don't you fucking dare!